The Repercussions of Being An Emotional Cheater

The author feelin’ free just after crisis time had passed. Photo by author’s bestie, Rachel M.

The TL;DR

Being an emotional cheater makes you sensitive to any change in energy that future partners display, which presences you to how YOU made the last person feel when you got attached to someone else. It can make you overthink, question your contributions in your current relationship, and even sabotage it by creating neediness. Read on to learn where this realization came from and why it all had to be documented.

I sat on this post for about two months to make sure all was well (all is well!)

Last week of August, 2023:

It started with a question that I felt shame for asking.

“Do you have any deep emotional connections with other women?” No matter how much I’ve professed that I’m not the jealous type, deep insecurities got the best of me this day.

For context, currently my partner’s parents are in town, and they’re wonderful, but they stress him out. So after a quick walk to the liquor store, he passed by his go-to bar and “popped in”… for 45 minutes, while I waited for him at home. Regular occurrence, but I felt left out because the pit stop was unexpected (and I at least like to have the agency to say “No, I’ll stay here,” having all of the information. ’Cause quite frankly I needed a drink, too).

But also, the summers are hot so we touch less. He’s preoccupied about finances and house upkeep. He spent a few days texting someone incessantly (probably his parents, but not my business). There is some certain but probably not permanent distance, but I always wonder when the point will come of my new person being “used to me” and itching for an initial infatuation again, and this insecurity was running the show (I can name this because this I do it).

If I posted something about all this “data” that I’ve accrued on Reddit, people on there would say, “I never thought MY partner was cheating on me, but he was. These are all red flags. Dump him.” So, I had to ask, so as not to be fooled.

This “data” are red flags to me because it’s what I do in relationships when I am not getting something I need and don’t or can’t communicate it, and start developing deeper relationships with people around me to see what sticks. And in fact, my current relationship began as a result of emotional cheating.

Before him, I was in a long-term, long-distance relationship, and after 8 months apart due to Covid and another year of not quite feeling attuned after that, my partner closed all the way up and stopped being vulnerable with me. I feel it is not my responsibility to pry information out of people when they aren’t willing to tell me of their own accord, so the relationship ended up going on much longer than it should have…

Also meanwhile, I was preoccupied with all sorts of people as a result of learning a language over Covid and then 2021, going out and doing things again, and because of my preoccupation, made the space to be attuned and deeply vulnerable in a long-distance relationship essentially disappear. I have to own that.

I also knew ending things would crush the guy who was dead set on marriage, moving to my state, and was just waiting for the final OK from me to implement these plans, which is too much power for my submissive tendencies.

In all of my relationships I’ve always been a free little bird, and dated people who let me be a free little bird. But now, I realize how much it benefits me to have structure, sound decision-making, gender roles, leadership, boundaries, and a man who can’t keep his deepest thoughts to himself even if he tried. We created this safety and trust, which made “the question” so much more shameful.

So of course this awesome man said, with no anger, “Nope, that’s not at all what’s going on babe, and don’t worry, I understand insecurities pop up sometimes and I hear ya that we started the same way and you were gonna be dealing with emotional fallout from that for a while.”

The fear of being deceived runs all of my relationships. I fear this because I am a greater hider myself, so I pick up (or manufacture) actions or body language that suggests a person may be hiding something.

I feel this way because my first serious loves at 18–20, were all older, emotionally unavailable people who needed a distraction, and of course I didn’t understand that at the time because I was attracted to those deep, broken, moody boys. Another blog for another time.

First dude had recently separated from his ex, second dude was recently separated from his wife. They hid communications from me, but valued my presence as an escape or a “this is what else is possible for me so I should keep it around”… And I will never forget being on a late outing sitting on a bridge with guy #2 and caught him flirting with his estranged wife via text.

Anyway, it would be torture to know I’ve created a dynamic where my partner couldn’t tell me everything on his mind because I certainly tell him everything that’s on mine. What irony that I had created exactly this dynamic before!

So then I started thinking, am I still the same person that he fell in love with initially? Well mostly yes, but last year, I was more confident, disciplined, financially stable, bubbly, actively in cool bands, always prettied up because I didn’t live here and roll out of bed looking like a troll, and the minimal touch we bestowed upon each other was electric forbidden fruit.

But now, these qualities are dulled, and I don’t feel vibrant the way I used to. I’m no longer playing live music or “up to cool things in the world”. I’m in the middle of trying to switch from my captioning job that I’ve done for 13 years, to making a living with writing, music, and art. In the summertime there had been VERY little captioning work available so I was making no money, and feeling desperate to monetize my passions, which is a foolish idea in itself.

I’d been needy, concerned about the lack of touch (sexy and non-), unable to pay my portion for rent on time or contribute to house supplies, barely writing music or words, doing nothing to monetize the creations I *do* have, unable to finish three separate solo albums I have 80% written, and feeling preoccupied by his preoccupation about his stability, because of our deep attunement to each other.

I’d also been feeling in a lot of ways like I’m not living up to my end of the partnership, and this was key. Maybe I’m being a little self-obsessed. Yes, D can take care of his responsibilities because he’s a mature adult, but I’ve neglected to speak his love language recently- being helpful, knocking out small tasks, helping him do things he needs to do that would free up some of his mental space to relax and have fun.

I was always thoughtful before we were official- bringing him lunches or carting him around places or knocking out chores while he worked. Considering him during my day and in my choices. This makes his life easier, it makes him feel cared about. Am I doing that now?

I can’t go crying about not getting my needs filled by another person when I’m doing very little to satisfy theirs OR mine. And in fact, I’m making D’s life harder by not being able to contribute now that I live in his home. I make excuses not to be helpful or help ease his considerations. I feel a lot of self-doubt because my artistic endeavors aren’t panning out monetarily like I’d hoped they would. But I realize, I am not committing to the work, and that’s another important part of this.

The other extremely important part of this is, what trust means to me is, I trust that when major changes arise between us or in his life, even if it involves another person, that he will tell me even if he’s scared. This way I have information and determine the best forward movement accordingly. I can either keep trusting, or be doubtful that my idea of trust is being upheld.

We’re in October now, and the crisis is over. Work has picked back up, I started learning a new instrument, I am making money, our chemistry is still intact, and quite frankly it took a harsh message from him about how I’m living in a fairy tale about money for it to really click.

It just goes to show that all insecurities relate back to the self. Sure it will take some inner work to know what’s going on, but it really takes a mirror to show a person their blind spots and to REALLY weed through the root causes of triggers, and I have a lot of faith that I’ve built a relationship where I won’t ever feel the need to do any of my toxic deceptions again.