Today’s Thinks: Regretting Every Post I’ve Ever Made On Facebook

None of them feel like “me”; they’re all just my ambassador. Does anyone else feel this way? Today’s reflections as I prepare to reactivate Facebook are mixed. My wall feels embarrassing as I read through it and hide arguments that I wasn’t nearly informed enough to be partaking in. I use to speak on social media as if I am “presenting” to an audience, and therefore the delivery must be perfectly curated, and in some, more commercial instances, “look how well I can talk” skills deployed.

What I wish I had the sense to do was to speak on social media as if I’m real-life chatting with my buds. People who just type what they’d say in person and not worry about all the vain stuff, like what strange internet people will assume about me as a real-life person.

I tend to resent the first and respect the second. Unfortunately for me, I never had the self-awareness to be the second before my most recent Facebook hiatus, during which I’ve realized that my whole life on social media has been curated to appeal to anyone who might be part of the “scene” or help me advance my career, and therefore everything I’ve ever posted have more often than not, NOT been me being good old-fashioned myself with my friends. Dare I say this thing it feels sucky to be: disingenuous

There’s a lot to worry about when crafting a post. (picture, caption, tagging people, scheduling, saying the right thing, posting on all platforms at once, worrying: what “side” do I want people to know I’m on? Should I be more succinct so as not to annoy people? Do I hope that one person in particular sees this and gets pissed?) and not well thought out using logic and reason.

If the ambassador phenomenon didn’t happen, the right questions might’ve been asked. Do I actually know enough about this issue to debate it or am I talking out my butt because I’m fired up? Do I ACTUALLY care about this thing I’m about to repost? Is this meme that made me heated misleading? made by AI? a crop of a bigger picture that would have added more context? debunked already? Reported by a Legitimate News Source? Is what I’m about to do actually going to help?

Do I trust this group of people slash cause that I am pretending I’m all on board with? They seem to be well-regarded but also seem a little too… “We have the answer and either you’re on the side of good with us, or you’re bad” for me to trust them completely.

Speaking of that, ^ growing up in Catholic school will train a person to see the “types of people that pedal things”. Doesn’t matter what ideology the hypothetical group of people above is pedaling. I’ve heard it.

i see you appealing to the vulnerable populations, snakeys

Five-To-Ten Years Ago Lauren used to be that insufferable preachy type and ruined a lot of relationships, which sucks. Now that I’ve “figured out a lot”, I feel that anyone remaining from my old life may not appreciate having their true self assessed with my new eyes and vocabulary after years of friendship, and no reason to suggest they are anything but kind and loyal. Best case scenario they’ll celebrate my newfound rationality and I’ll realize who’s been both authentic and supportive all along.

These reflections bring me to now. I’ll have to reactivate Facebook soonish so that I can announce that I’m releasing an album.* I THINK I have to, at least. Might as well use all the contacts I made from touring with a band for almost a decade?

But then I remember that almost no one was looking at my posts before I deactivated. Or, almost no one *was seeing* my posts? Or maybe they were incredibly boring.

But then after I reactivate, what will I say? I can’t be the same way I used to be with some pompous-sounding self-promotional announcement. Oh, no. Those were the “presenting” days. Good riddance. I suppose I will just start talking to social medias as if I was talking to my buddy in person.

Photo by author. Cropped version of a drawing I made for my album cover. The black spots are glitter.

Obviously I need practice.

The album isn’t even ready, though. So why do I feel compelled to get back on it? Surely not for an album announcement- I don’t even know how I want to release this album, since I don’t play shows, like social media, or need the money. What would be the drawbacks of releasing it to no one and/or personally messaging people? Since I don’t want to be famous, I can’t think of any. It would be very sick to meet athletes somehow so maybe being famous wouldn’t be too bad.

…so do I NEED to reactivate Facebook, or am I overthinking for nothing? Have I un-learned this whole “being an ambassador” thing? Would this run be different because I don’t care about what people think of Internet Lauren any more? Should I just get back on and start reconnecting with friends? Do I say that I don’t care what people think of me but really I do? All things could be true.

Social Media is the worst.

* Album! : Here is a nerdy video I whipped up to showcase the demo of the title track of my album! I created the crazy looking park, too.

Game: OpenRCT2 (Rollercoaster Tycoon 2). I am so very thankful they exist! If anyone from OpenRCT2 happens to ever read this, I would love to write a ride song style for you or let you license one of my album songs when it’s finished!