What I learned about my insecurities when my partner felt depressed and spoke up

I got lucky enough to snag a boyfriend who feels deeply and thinks well. Yesterday I hurt him, but then had major breakthroughs in the process of cleaning up. I don’t want to push my partners away with this unconscious behavior any more, so I’m documenting it. Perhaps someone else will get something out of this, too.

Let me know if this situation sounds familiar:

-For some reason the dude had been ignoring me all day. He works from home. Usually he comes to say hello to me during his morning breaks, and yesterday he didn’t. He didn’t say a word unless spoken to first, left whatever rooms I entered, you know, surefire signs a person is being ignored. I spent the day feeling anxiety, but also assuring myself that I don’t care. Whatever is going on with him, he can just go keep on moping and keep ignoring me because I don’t care blah blah blah. I don’t know. Finger wag. Checked on my friend’s pup across town. Holed myself up into my room and worked my own job for a few hours.

-After I’m finished, I’m cautious with him and I choose to sit on the other couch. He breaks the silence with, I know I’ve been quiet. I’m sorry. There’s a lot on my mind.

It turns out, the poor guy was feeling very isolated and questioning the reasons why he still existed. Ugh. Tears in my eyes as I write this.

He talked about how his IT job is what he wants and likes to do as an engineer, but damned if anyone in the other departments he works with listen to each other, problem-solve well, or not make everything that they say a bid to “look better” than someone else. He felt constantly misunderstood, like he has trouble communicating himself clearly, like people mistake his intensity for something that makes them get defensive. He misses his old friend group that took sides and abandoned him, and he’s also really feeling the weight of having a broken relationship with his parents as a result of them betraying him in demeaning “we don’t think you know what you’re doing” ways all his life. Poor babe had a real mess of stuff on his mind.

So you know what I did?

-I started bitching about all the reasons why he -could- -easily- get jobs in the field he *actually* wants to be in but chooses not to. Laid it out for him, oh well you know, you just don’t like to do things that are uncomfortable like ask your friends who work in that field if you could jump in some day they need help. Unhelpful dribble like that. I also wondered aloud in a raised voice how in the world are reasons like WORK and missing people who wronged you (shallow things in my eyes) reasons that you aren’t sure you want to exist? I intentionally triggered all of his insecurities because I know them very well.

-Hurt feelings ensued. He started tearing up which I’ve never seen him do outside of laughing too hard. He explained that exactly what was happening right now in this conversation, was his biggest fear about speaking up, and calculating how to do so without THIS reaction is why it required the whole day to contemplate. It went how you think. I became defensive that he was misunderstanding me and my intentions for saying the things I say. I was… sigh…

Insulted.

I watched him become more and more alone as the next 20 minutes of this progressed. Me thinking, what the hell is your problem? And him clearly stating, over and over again, that he felt isolated, alone, misunderstood, unable to communicate well, devoid of strong parental companionship, missing the times when he had lots of friends and got invited to outings, all these things. Crying more. And me shutting them down over and over again.

I almost walked out of the room but he stopped me, because he knows it’s the most harmful thing you can do in that situation. HE. Stopped ME. Because I am the person who is supposed to provide the heardness when no one else will, and he was desperate for it. God, the tears I’m tasting recounting this. It would have created deep wounds if I had defied his plea. How lucky am I that he had enough sense to try to prevent me doing so?

-So instead, we cracked open some beers and took a breather. One of us said something silly and the tension released. My hurting person proceeded to recount all the near-unforgiveable ways that he is disrespected on a daily basis at his job, lament the ways that he sees people being deceived in their lives, how people go through life on autopilot and don’t stop to think, how we’re supposed to be stewards of the earth and the other living things around us, how bosses are trained to “be a boss” instead of bridge the gap between the people-ness and know-how of the way your industry works. All sorts of amazing and thoughtful observations- it was like the cork was removed so the pent-up disappointment could escape.

-Hearing the deeper details of his disposition and his fears made me both relieved to understand what’s truly going on and also overwhelmed with regret. Here is this kind, gentle, and introspective mind who feels lonely in a world that refuses to examine itself, and places their “what I think you’re saying” on the ideas that others try to communicate. And here *I* am being so indignant that I was “ignored” that it was more important for me to tell him why all his problems are solvable than it was to understand the reasons why it isn’t worthwhile for him to do any of the things I suggested.

It suddenly hit me how terrible, how fundamentally gut-wrenching it is and should be to hear your partner say, “I question why I still exist.” How does that not register the first time? How does that not immediately shake a person out of autopilot and their self-invented rage? I just can’t believe myself.

-So then I cried. And we hugged, and I told him that I was so sorry I was being a butt and purposely ignoring his pleas to REALLY HEAR him, and also intentionally pushing his most triggersome buttons. I apologized for making him feel like his girlfriend was part of the “everyone else” that makes him feel so unheard. It feels gross to have the realization that you’ve pushed your favorite person into even deeper loneliness… or god forbid, reinforced a reason that maybe he shouldn’t be here any more, all because you were mad about a false conclusion that YOU MANUFACTURED, instead of asking, “Are you okay today, my love?”

This wonderful man forgave me without even thinking about it. He knew what I was doing, and he knew that I’d snap out of it and realize I was being a jerk at some point. That’s true love right there, folks. It deserved a bigger font.

****

So, this is a lot of realizations. First, it’s comforting to know that there is a cycle and a pattern of the way that we fight, it’s crucial information to know and chronicle in our personal instruction manual. If I relax my ego and just give the person what they need (listening and not interrupting constantly), the real meat of the thing will make its way out eventually. I would consider this experience productive.

Second, I WANT to have the realizations that I’m hurting people and squashing their vulnerable self-expression, which took a lot of bravery to do. I WANT to realize that the way I’m being is counterproductive to getting what I actually want, which is connectedness. I hurt someone by intentionally withholding my empathy. It sucks to know you did that. But to feel shame is good for me. It’s good for people. We should spend more time wading around in it because it’s that good for us.

Shame tells us that we are acting incongruent with what we believe ourselves to be. It doesn’t have to rule your future or create any negative self-talk. It is as easy as, “pick a different response next time.” In my case, being a good person who supposedly listens and who supposedly feels empathy for people takes a lot of mental work when your ego is bruised because you believe, incorrectly, that you’ve been wronged. Examine your shame.

Third, I realize that this is what my “but I know what to do! I can fix it! Let me help you and I promise you’ll be grateful” insecurity looks like when placed upon a non-toxic person who is undeserving of the expectation of gratitude that I’ve placed upon them, and my wrath when I don’t receive it. It’s been a pattern ever since I was a kid. Helping boys fix their problems gives me the validation that I require to satisfy what’s lacking in my self-image.

But what I did to him at the beginning of our talk was not encouragement nor empowerment, and certainly not fixing anything, or even remoooootely helpful. It was demeaning and it was scolding. He even called it out, to which I said, “I’m not fucking scolding you dude, I’m just telling you what I see that you can’t.” (Ugh. Cringe! I am the worst. I’d break up with me in a heartbeat!!)

This overbearing attitude causes people to do things like, oh I don’t know, get a bitch job they hate to make their partner stop saying, “I don’t know why you don’t just get another job if you need money and you’re laying around miserable anyway and this and that.” No one is going to respond nicely to that! No one. We’re gonna say, cool. You’re just like everyone else. I guess I’ll just go do the thing that everyone else does, even though that’s why everyone else is so miserable and treats their jobs like only-a-paycheck and don’t put in the thought and respect that a job deserves, which is the cause of my disappointment and unfulfilledness in the first place!! Huff!

Fourth and most important thing, regarding the subtle undercurrents of my relationship, really it’s not a subtle undercurrent at all- it’s more like a gravitational pull. I can’t stress this enough: He is my best friend. We must set aside time for best friend hangs and best friend talks in order to foster the safety required to nurture our very intense and passion-permeated relationship. We bonded in the first place because it seemed like we only had each other to meet the high standards we’ve both set for people that we call our friends. We MUST hang out.

I really cannot say this enough times in one paragraph or section. Make sure you set aside time in your romantic relationship to be best friends. You, Lauren, and the proverbial “you” who is reading this. You don’t need to “go out” or “do fun things” to do it. If the two of you broke, staying home, cooped up, nothing else to do but sit around and think, can’t have fun hanging out in your living room together, you aren’t with a “right” person.

And importantly for me, if my person can’t see through whatever hurtful ways I’m being, knowing full well my insecurities are running the performance but eventually I’ll snap out of it, I’m not with a right person. And if I can’t show someone that same patience when I know their real heart and see that they’re just putting on a show, doing all this when my heart hurts, I’m not with a right person then, either. This concept requires a whole other journal entry for some day.

My final thought is, my boyfriend is a goddamned treasure and it’s a victory over the past to be aware of one more way that I’m not respecting him as such. More journal entries to come.