Tonight I thought about my cool parents, why I ended my last relationship, and how I’m a little spoiled.
Hello from the room I grew up in as a child and in which I still spend lots of time! There are three things I want to talk about today, starting this blog on the night of Saturday, 7/1:
-A funny thing first. I have a new accountability strategy involving my mom. I have a bad habit of buying things that I end up never using. I bought a Nood hair remover contraption that I haven’t used yet because I found some reviews after the fact that make it seem a little intimidating. So I left the thing on the bathroom counter and the instruction manual on top so that she’ll see it, get curious, ask me about it, and if I’m lucky, she’ll offer to try it first. Update: 7/5- this worked like a charm. I’m trying to brainstorm other ways I can create accidental accountability to follow through with things I start.
-Thing number two! I had a mental shift in the bad place today. What it looks like when I go there is, for example, I’ll go into the bathroom and see my mom’s beauty supplies scattered everywhere, and I feel pre-grief for whenever will be the first time I go into the bathroom and see her knick knacks after she isn’t alive any more (blegh, I hate making those words exist). But today, I just felt happy they were there. I stood in the bathroom, saw her stuff, and just thought, “what a cute mommy.” and I don’t know, the bad place just didn’t pop up because the array of knick knacks was too cute. I’m just enjoying the heck out of my cute mommy in that moment and I’m not jinxing anything by letting such strong feelings of love and happiness overwhelm me. I’ll try to keep up this momentum. (Update: 7/6: This lasted about 48 hours and then yesterday I accidentally went to the bad place… but I caught myself!)
Today I felt very proud. She (I think?) spearheaded a whole brew festival and her/dad’s own brewery also participated. It was fun pouring and then getting some nice social time at the “afterparty” at the brewery afterward. She’s such a cool lady. I didn’t see much of my dad- he was being a butterfly. So many people love them and for good reason. I am extremely sensitive to my parents, because the feeling like I spent my 20’s much too far from family is a sadness I haven’t worked through all the way yet. The positive side of this emotional shift is that now I just feel like my parents’ little helper, making up for lost time, and I’m excited to be the cause for both of them to have all their problems solved.
I am really feeling the “honor thy parents” part of the world I grew up with (Catholicism, need a fresh blog’s worth of space) and it just feels like a treasure to do so and be helpful.
-Thing number three. This month, I’ve been torturing myself over how I exited my last relationship more than the usual every few days. I let the emotional attachment disintegrate. Why did I do that? I realized today that in said relationship, I was allowed a lot of space to be spoiled. And I don’t want to be spoiled. But it doesn’t end with him.
I have been in many relationships where I’ve attracted people who do red flag stuff. Excessive drinking, drugs, mind games, manipulation, lying/withholding, all the stuff. I realize, I attract those tendencies because there will be built-in excusing for me partaking in that behavior, too, usually no matter how destructive it is. What was initially very healthy for me became a way to be absolved of guilt for any poor decision I want to make. Guilt is a brain’s way of pumping the brakes on an action that I know in my gut isn’t a workable choice, and my person helped me ignore it. Maybe I could call it unintentional enabling.
Enabling but from a place of unconditional love that spans the depths of a person’s heart.
It felt like there was no one good reason to walk away, I left someone crushed in the wake, and it’s only taken me 8ish months to find the words for what I felt.
Feeling absolved manifests in embarrassing ways, the one I’m most ashamed of being, allowing partners to pay for everything so that I can keep spending outside of my means (or let’s name it, buying shit I don’t need and eating out all the time). Or, assure me that “It’s okay” that I’ve acted unwisely and hurt someone. Maybe it is okay, but it’s not, at least all the way.
I date people that absolve me of guilt when I don’t work hard. People that let me break the rules I’m trying to set for myself. Or, you know, they’ll be the type that drives home after a night out and then realizes eesh, I shouldn’t have driven. They’ll excuse me for doing that because they do (I have, but I no longer do or will!) or for having a little too much fun going out and acting like a drunk idiot. Allowing me to lash out when I’m frustrated or consuming substances. I’ve dated people who wake up and drink and it’s normal, or who can access any drugs we could want. Maybe a part of me still doesn’t want to be excused. I’m glad though, to be demanded to be better and have more respect.
Nowadays not taking responsibility for things like personal finances, or NOT being my most non-explosive, kindest self that I can be is not an option. I realize now that it’s because my intensity needs to have the perfect conditions to grow structurally sound and things can easily go awry if I neglect my responsibilities or hit a wall and go binge until I can’t stand the guilt. I’ve adopted better routines as a result, like sleep. I don’t feel any defensiveness or hesitation to examine myself whenever I bump into something that makes me grumpy (there’s always something for ME to let go of. Never other people), and I’ve learned to pay attention to small things and anticipate people’s needs…. I didn’t realize I was missing that skill but it’s extremely obvious now that I was. My circle of people that I want to be unconditionally helpful with is small right now but I hope it expands. Most importantly, I’m starting to trust my gut again now that there are boundaries.
Back to the start of thing number three, I haven’t felt relief of the self-torture of why I let a relationship that was lovely fall dormant after covid hit but I think it’s because for once I was stable in all areas, cool with being with myself, not reliant on him for anything, and hundreds of miles isolated away from him for over half a year. I was also learning Arabic, making a ton of friends, making tons of money, and getting attached to a bunch of other people in different time zones. Longer post for some day. Anyway some people reading this will know both parties but I just gotta write about it all or I won’t commit my breakthroughs to memory.
To sum all of this section up: I enjoy accountability and for someone else to have some control over my actions in a healthy way. I enjoy being a follower of strong leadership and to accidentally adopt people’s healthy habits as a byproduct. I don’t want partners to be soft on me and I don’t feel attracted to partners who are soft on themselves, either. I need discipline that is stronger than mine and I’m not ashamed to admit that I rely on other people to show me what enacting healthy routines looks like in real life.
I let this blog breathe for a few days and now it’s ready to post. Early morning of 7/6
