Bad Place Journal #1. Accidentally attracting Murphy’s Law
I caught myself almost going to “The Bad Place” but managed to bring it full circle and whip out computer before it all left my head. Conclusion first: I need to be in nature more. I’m not afraid of too many natureful things- just cars and people. This is half journaling, half blog post.
Spiderweb path: About 20 minutes ago, being suggested internet videos of rip currents in my ads. Panicking about how horrible it would be if it happened at one of my family’s yearly beach trips. Thinking about how in that scenario you have two options, you either stay afloat and relax and it ropes you back to shore or you swim perpendicular to the current and try to break out of the side. Feeling genuinely how scary it is to be in that situation, just carried away by water. The feeling of, “Oh crap, I am NOT in control right now, this could turn ugly.” I realize that lots of people like this adrenaline and in order to be that, they’ve chosen hobbies that require nature. Kayakers, surfers, etc.
What I realize now is, I don’t put myself in situations in general very often. My tolerance for the unknown has flatlined. There are long stretches of not being in unpredictable or uncontrollable situations and then only experiencing a minor blip but feeling absolutely drained by the end of it. That’s why professional surfers and kayakers are professionals. Their whole deal is learning to use forces that are unpredictable to achieve a goal and experience a thrill and exercise. So yes, I need to get out more in general. Not doing social things, but getting back in touch with nature. It’s just the death by car part that keeps me from leaving the house.
This leads me to “The Bad Place”. (I really tried)
The trauma that grips me the most viscously is the feeling that I need to constantly be on guard for a tragedy in order to prevent one from occurring. The moment I lower my guard and stop believing that I will attract Murphy’s Law is when Murphy’s Law presents itself and tragedy strikes. And then I will say, “Of course this happened right after I finally let go of the fear of THIS EXACT SITUATION.” And I will hate myself for not keeping my guard up just a little bit longer. The most annoying part of this is that probably 5ish years have passed that I’ve been doing it to myself? 5 straight years of being sure that the reason these thoughts are popping into my head is because something tragic is about to happen, I’m getting tingly senses, and I should check in with the people I love. And then nothing happens. Five years of only minor negative events hasn’t convinced me that I’m probably not going to experience anything truly horrible right this second, I guess. I don’t know what it’ll take to unlock this bad boy.
No matter what work I do on letting go of other traumas and disallowing them to affect me, even if I’m doing great work letting go of other deep pains, this Murphy’s Law pattern doesn’t allow the infection of other letting-gos drain out of my psyche completely. My amygdala is always on high alert. Any unfamiliar noise makes my heart pound and my body shoot me full of hormones. Being startled by a new, sudden LOUD sound feels like a bolt of lightning just hit me. Synesthesia stuff. Ultra sensitive. Maybe also just a trauma response, the being startled thing.
So to rope it all back around, it seems like a good idea to start doing nature things more frequently, especially unfamiliar ones, and rebuild my appetite for “Okay, this is unfamiliar, but it’s fine,” and just general adventure. And also, I should do nature things to become strong so that I eventually develop faith in myself that maybe there are SOME crises that I can handle. <- Journal entry for a different time. Time of completion: 11:49P.
